Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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