ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
