just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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