just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
