Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
