i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
