Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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