hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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