I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
