My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
