i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
