I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
