my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
