there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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