I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
