i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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