I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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