It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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