apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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