I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
