I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
