I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
