It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
