Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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