His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize