Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
