Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
