I puked a lego.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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