your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
