I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
