Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
