im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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