I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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