for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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