I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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