My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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