I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize