We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
