You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
