This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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