So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
