i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
