I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
