So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
