if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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