I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
