Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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