so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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