the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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