You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
