just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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