Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
