I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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