Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
