jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize