I was born with a shot glass in my hand
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
