Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
