I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
