my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
