Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
