this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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