So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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