I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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