I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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