I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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