Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
