So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize