You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
