If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
